WASHINGTON, D.C. (USAR) — In what economists are calling "the most devastating market event since the Great Roblox Recession," the USAR S&P 500 Index crashed to an all-time low of 37 points late Friday afternoon, wiping out an estimated $4.2 billion in imaginary shareholder value and sending traders into complete panic.
The collapse began shortly after a routine government press briefing when an intern accidentally announced that the Federal Reserve was replacing the dollar with Bloxy Cola bottle caps. Automated trading algorithms immediately began liquidating positions, causing shares of nearly every major corporation to plummet.